CD Exchange: Disc#1
Today I chose to listen to and critique the first of the CD-exchange discs. Also today, this teacher's legal team announced she'd plead insanity for having sex with a 14-year-old student. Why is this significant? Because Alexis's disc is first. She's a teacher, and all of her songs include the word "teacher" in the title. Most songs with "teacher" in the title are about instructions in the ways of luuuuve, which is a theme I find rather squicky. Why? Because none of my teachers looked like Lafave, for one. So, with a bagful of "eeww!" at the ready, I delved in...


.38 Special, "Teacher, Teacher" - This is probably one of the better .38 Special songs, and that's not saying much at all. But I have slightly fond memories of Teachers, because it depicted teachers who were neither Crusaders Who Made A Difference or malevolent evil bastards (see Heaven Help Us) -- they were mostly glorified babysitters, just as C-plus as most
students.

Louis XVI, "Hey Teacher" - Louis XVI reminds me of early Iggy Pop. I like early Iggy Pop. The pitch-shifted vocals don't work entirely.

Doris Day, "Teacher's Pet" - Creeps me out. Maybe less so than if it was Hilary Duff or someone singing, but the skeevy thing about it is that I'm pretty sure Doris Day was 30 years old when she popped out of the womb.

Electric Flame, "Preacher Teacher" - Utterly forgettable.

Elton John, "Teacher I Need You" - This is basically an endurance test for me. Can I stand 4:11 of an Elton John song? Oy, why do people hold Bernie Taupin in such high regard? Coupling "inspiration" and "graduation"? Oh, and a mention of birds and bees; no one's used that before. I got through 3:14.

Extreme, "Teacher's Pet" -Aw, man, I was hoping it was a cover of the Doris Day song. So far I'm most entertained by this track. Singing about MILFs is distasteful to me the same way "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" is. But this song thankfully injects the proper amount of sleaze. "Purely scientifically/Studied her ana-to-my" is pretty funny. Oh, hey, birds and bees again! Yeah, Taupin and Cherone, birds of a feather.

Johnny Mathis, "Teacher, Teacher" - Mathis trying to swing, Sinatra-style; not too bad. No B&B. Again though, bad images...I only know Mathis as older'n dirt, so I can only picture the teacher from my experience old enough to "make him teacher's pet" -- Miss Kougl, the 4th-grade crone at my grade school who smelled of band-aids. Yuck.

Leonard Cohen, "Teachers" - As to be expected, that was a big bummer.

Magnum, "The Teacher" - Ah, more Spinal-Tappish rock, but this time with the 10-sided dice instead of the double entendres.

Paul Simon, 'The Teacher" - Surprisingly insubstantial for Paul Simon.

John Matthews, "Teacher Teach Me" - So this guy wants the teacher to teach him how to write a song. okay, uh...I'll come back when the lessons are complete. This tops Elton for most annoying song on the CD.

Van Halen, "Hot For Teacher" - needs no introduction. This time around, I just listened to the drum intro and the guitar solo.

Boogie Down Productions, "Come to the Teacher" - KRS-One calling himself a "teacher" prompted a rap feud between him and of all people, PM Dawn. In this song, we learn...ah...that KRS is a vegetarian. And now my head is so full of knowledge I'll have to sleep sitting up, like the elephant man.

Mister Billy, " Creature Teacher" - cute kid's novelty song.

Screaming Headless Torsos, "Jazz is the Teacher" - A not-bad jazz/funk raveup. A little too jammy for my tastes, but they sound like their live set (this is a live track) is pretty entertaining

Big Country, "The Teacher" - I liked Big Country's first two albums a lot, but was unfamiliar with this track, from "The Seer." I never noticed it before, but take away the guitar heroics and Stuart Adamson's a male, scottish Stevie Nicks.

ABBA, "When I Kissed The Teacher" - I was just about to bail when I heard Agnetha and Frida sing "he was trying to explain the laws of gee-oh-metry" in very thick Sveedish accents. That amused me enough to finish the song. This must have been an early, phonetic-English song.

Big Mountain, "Soul Teacher" - Remember them? They had that unnecessary reggae cover of "Baby I Love Your Way" from the Reality Bites soundtrack? Hm. "I and I" are one of those people who believe you really only need one reggae album. This shouldn't be on it.

Burning Spear, "African Teacher" - See above. Well, okay, this is better. Or am I saying this only because I know Burning Spear has more cred than Big Mountain?

Rufus Wainwright, "The Art Teacher" - Pretty good. I know a bunch of people who really dig Rufus. In fact, I see he's on the second disc I received I'll keep an eye out for cheap used stuff. Actually what I think of when I hear Rufus is that I used to have a CD by his dad Loudon (the one where he's wearing an Islanders jersey on the cover) which I sold in a bout of college poverty. In hindsight, that was a mistake.

The German Art Students, "Science Teacher" -okay, this is up my alley. Looking at their Allmusic page, I see that they have songs called "Bjorn Borg" and "Disgruntled Figure-Skating Judge," and do a cover of Joe Jackson's "Happy Loving Couples." They're on the list to investigate further.

Adam Sandler, "The Beating of a High School Spanish Teacher" - heh...a 30-second comedy bit that's just the right length, and funny despite all my better judgment. Our high school Spanish teacher was rumored to come on to various athletes at school. Yuck.

So that was entertaining. I was most impressed with German Art Students. I suppose there are only a few other jobs that you could construct a similar theme around...doctors, cowboys, and folks in the military. Oh, sucka MC's, too, can't forget that noble profession. Anyway, thanks, Alexis, I hope you enjoy my ode to Production Coordinators as much as I enjoyed your disc.